Ok I'll come out and say it....

SOMETIMES HAVING TWINS STINKS

There, I said it.

I know, I know.

My girls are beautiful, smart, healthy etc blah blah blah and I am aware that there are people who can't have children who would sell their house for a baby before anyone gets all angsty with me. But truly, there never, ever seems to be anything negative written about having twins. Not truly, warts & all honestly.

As a mother of two singletons who I really, really enjoyed I can honestly say if the twins had been first that I wouldn't have had anymore.

I don't know what it's like for mothers who have twins first. Is it more of a shock to have two at once having had none or is it worse when you can compare the comparative bliss of one baby?

All  I do know is that I fully expected when trying for these that I would be getting more of the same. Special moments, mummy & baby bath time, swimming bath time and all of the other things that I had enjoyed so much with my elder children and really longed for. I truly ached for another small person to do it all again with.

Instead I got a preganancy fraught with fear. I mean it would have been bad enough having a single baby at 37. It started at the first ultrasound. It all went downhill rather rapidly. Days before I had been discussing how much I was looking forward to a Home Birth. Strike one ( I now know it would have been possible but was too fearful to push for it at the time) After leaving the scan room I was seen by the consultant - a woman might I add who proceeded to scare the living daylights out of me. I was told about pre-eclampsia, premature delivery, amniocentesis and all manner of things that I hadn't even considered. Hell, I'd barely actually processed the news never mind thought of the implications. I sat there in shock, she sounded like she was underwater, in slow motion. A few hours later, having digested some of the news and having Googled a bit to calm me down I called the Hospital back and asked to be given a new Consultant. I really didn't feel that I could continue to be seen by someone with such a negative attitude for 9 months.  I spent days in tears, veering from utter fear to trying to find out things to reassure me.

Fast forward to almost 38 weeks - ha ha what did she know!!!???

Two hours after a spinal with one baby by my bed & one in the special care unit ( she got a bit squished) and I was expected to walk down to see her wth a drip stuck in my arm whilst leaving the other baby alone....

This was just the beginning. The dreams of taking a bath with my baby? The reality? You bath one in a hurry while the other one screams on the mat. Feeding two babies at once is no easy task. Winding one over your shoulder whilst feeding one over your lap is a major milestone. When the one on your shoulder throws up on your neck you have to try and wipe it whilst stopping the one on your knee from rolling onto the floor. When are changing the bum of one, the other one has thrown up over itself and has to lie there in it until you finish, put the other one somewhere safe to go and wash your hands.This doesn't even take into account the sleep deprivation, utterly indescribable!!!!

None of this is a pretty picture is it? It certainly isn't what you dream of when you are lying on the bed rubbing your bump in anticipation.

Other things worth a mention are delights such as the noro virus. You think it's bad with one or maybe two of different ages - try it with twins. Going shopping? Park the car. Yup. Carry two babies across the car park and put them in the trolley? Ummmm. Leave them both in the car with the door locked while you leg it for a trolley? Ummmm perhaps..... Take one & leave the other? Oh hell I don't know, I'm not even dressed never mind hungry......

Laundry - hah! One baby makes a lot of washing, but it's all so cute and small. Two babies make an utter heap the size of a small country. My first babies spent their days cooing in darling outfits, with matching socks & hats. Smelling sweetly of baby cologne. My twins spent their days in vests & babygros. A quick wipe with a flannel was considered really clean in the first few weeks.

If you think Mother equals guilt, you should try being a twin mother. One laughs & the other one cries. One cries, you comfort it then the other one starts. .Then you all cry.

Those precious one to one moments that you dream of - never to be experienced by a twin mother (without help anyway). I felt guilty. Guilty & cheated. Guilty for not enjoying them more, guilty for not being able to comfort them both at once properly. Cheated for not being able to have the time to enjoy them fully, like I knew I had years ago. 

I love them both dearly, but still feel the same way. I can't help feeling that it would have all been much nicer if they had arrived with a few years between them. It's my guilty secret.

I hope I don't get too much stick for this post, I certainly am blessed and I know that my life could be much worse but sometimes someone somewhere has to tell the truth.........